Longing

With marriage comes the inevitable questions. When are you going to have kids? Are you trying? How many do you want? How will (my step daughter) deal with not being an only child at your house? 

I answer with jokes. I answer with a smile and say when it happens, it happens. I change the subject. I turn the situation around and ask my friends about the age gaps that would exist and what they think of siblings who are ten years (or more) apart in age.

But never do I answer with my heart.

If I did, I might break. 

Because the truth is I long deeply to a mommy. To have a child that is mine and my husband's. To have a child that stays. 

Because every two weeks I find myself falling into the routine of a family. Just to end Sunday with goodbyes and see you next times.

Because I've always wanted kids. 

Because my step daughter will be ten this year and I want her to have a chance to be raised with her siblings.

Because I'm 27 and then comes 28 and before you know it 30 is here and not having a baby by 30 seems strange to me. My mom is only 20 years older than I am and I love that. I always tell people that having young parents means I'll keep them longer. And I know, I know 30 isn't old. But still, a new decade.

The problem with all of this longing is on the flip side of the coin is fear. I had a miscarriage a little over two years ago. And while I know everything happens for a reason and our lives have changed for the better times a million since... still my heart isn't healed. And everytime I think I'm ready to go forward something screams in my head- not again. I couldn't do it again. And while I know other people deal with miscarriage and some women suffer multiple miscarriages (and my heart aches for each and every one of these women) I don't know if I'm strong enough to bear the loss again. 

There is also the stress of not knowing how my step daughter will handle a new sibling. Will she feel as connected to him or her as she does to her mother's other children? Will she resent her brother or sister? If we have a girl will she be jealous of not being daddy's only little girl? If we have a boy will she be jealous that her daddy has a son to teach things to? Will she accuse me of treating her differently once the baby comes? WILL I treat her differently when the baby comes?

All of this scares me.

But the scariest part to me is my husband. He has done this before. I haven't. I fear that I will have to hear how she (my husband's ex) did something. I fear that something I think is a big deal won't seem as important to my husband. Because he's been there. Because it's not new. 

I fear that he will feel guilty. That the fact he is able to be with our baby every day will make him feel the burden of guilt. That he will try to overcompensate when his daughter is around and that will make me resentful. 

The logical part of me knows that fear is normal. And everyone goes through their own special kind of anxiety over bringing a child in to this world. How could you not?

But I still find myself terrified that it's too much.