"I should do more."
"I could do more."
"If this was actually MY child would I do/say/act/think/feel differently?"
We've all been there. Everyone of us has felt it. The guilt of not being enough for your stepchild. The guilt of not being a "perfect" wife.
This weekend I felt the crushing feeling of this guilt and even though I did everything in my power to make the guilt go away. It didn't. It lingered and festered until Sunday when we dropped my stepdaughter off. And then did it disappear? No. Its still with me twenty four hours later.
On the surface nothing was out of the ordinary about this weekend. We had a nice, relaxing Saturday morning. Followed by a jam packed rest of our day and a late night for all three of us. And ended the weekend with a lazy Sunday at home. Very typical of our routine.
But mentally I wasn't as present as I could have/should have been. And I knew it. At the movie on Saturday I was aware of this. While we were carving pumpkins my nutty family drew me out of my thoughts and I was able to be completely be in the moment with them. But once we finished I felt myself drift back. By the time Sunday hit I'm sure it was not a secret that I was in my own world.
Like I said before, I knew I wasn't living in the moment. However even the self awareness didn't help. I was stuck.
If I was the biological mother to my stepdaughter would I feel this guilt? Probably. But I would also have the luxury of time. In this situation I do not. My time with my stepdaughter is limited. And knowing time is limited magnifies that guilt.
How do you handle guilt as a stepmom, as a biological mom, as a wife? I know I can't be the only one plagued by this emotion.