True Confessions of a Step Mom: The GUILT Edition

"I should do more."

"I could do more."

"If this was actually MY child would I do/say/act/think/feel differently?"

We've all been there. Everyone of us has felt it. The guilt of not being enough for your stepchild. The guilt of not being a "perfect" wife.

This weekend I felt the crushing feeling of this guilt and even though I did everything in my power to make the guilt go away. It didn't. It lingered and festered until Sunday when we dropped my stepdaughter off. And then did it disappear? No. Its still with me twenty four hours later.

On the surface nothing was out of the ordinary about this weekend. We had a nice, relaxing Saturday morning. Followed by a jam packed rest of our day and a late night for all three of us. And ended the weekend with a lazy Sunday at home. Very typical of our routine.

But mentally I wasn't as present as I could have/should have been. And I knew it. At the movie on Saturday I was aware of this. While we were carving pumpkins my nutty family drew me out of my thoughts and I was able to be completely be in the moment with them. But once we finished I felt myself drift back. By the time Sunday hit I'm sure it was not a secret that I was in my own world.

Like I said before, I knew I wasn't living in the moment. However even the self awareness didn't help. I was stuck.

If I was the biological mother to my stepdaughter would I feel this guilt? Probably. But I would also have the luxury of time. In this situation I do not. My time with my stepdaughter is limited. And knowing time is limited magnifies that guilt.

How do you handle guilt as a stepmom, as a biological mom, as a wife? I know I can't be the only one plagued by this emotion.

To Have or Not To Have

I want babies. 

I dream about babies. I obsess over everything pregnancy and baby related. I would take your baby if you offered it to me. Kidding. Or not. (Mostly kidding.)

I've wrote about this longing before. I've wrote about my struggles with adding a baby to our little family. My husband and I endlessly discuss whether we should start talking about the possibility of a baby now or wait until we know its happening. As in I'm pregnant and ready or not here comes a sister. Or brother. (Can you tell which I would prefer? Ha.) 

And as much as my husband and I have always speculated on how my step daughter would feel with a new addition, we (read- HE) has been too chicken to directly ask her.

Cut to this weekend, after family pictures, when we are standing around and talking to our photographer about her recently announced pregnancy. And the inevitable, "You two are newlyweds, what are you waiting for?", comes up. To which my step daughter promptly replies with a very firm, no questions about it, "Nooooo....." 

Hmmm. I guess we now know her feelings on this subject. My question is what do we do from here? Like it or not babies are in the future. If I have it my way, the very near future. So do we talk to her about it now- or later? 

And once we have this conversation how do we help her be okay with it?

Tis' The Season

This past Sunday my husband and I were blindsided with the news that his ex would be using her "vacation" time the weekend after Christmas. Our weekend. Our Christmas time with my step daughter. Right away we were furious. The parenting agreement states that each parent is allowed a week of uninterrupted time and we took ours this summer. Coinciding with "our" weekend, not hers. And while the agreement doesn't specify, we both assumed that this was an understood courtesy. Weekends are precious. I guess we should have clarified this.

During our fuming we went over the many ways we could mess with her plans. How could we use our vacation week next year to most impact her? This year is our Halloween and its only days away. We could easily manipulate the day to cut her out. After all she didn't give a second thought to our Christmas plans.

This conversation went on for awhile and when it ended we hadn't got anywhere. We were both still angry, hurt and possibly even more frustrated.

This morning (two days after the initial news) I woke up evaluating my reaction. The anger and the scheming didn't accomplish anything. All it did was make me tired. So tired.

So what do I do? What can my husband and I do in this situation? We can make sure that we enjoy the time we do have. We can plan the few days we do get in December to be full of the Christmas magic. Last year we did a family 12 Days of Christmas countdown. A Christmas activity for each day we spent with my step daughter prior to Christmas. This year we will be starting a little early but we will continue our countdown. I'm also planning extended family celebrations to happen a little earlier in December. That way our Christmas (we get Christmas Eve this year) is still relaxed and just the three of us.

And next year will we plan our vacation time to inconvenience her? No. We will continue to plan events and vacations for our family at times that work best for us. We will continue to think of my step daughter first and what's best for her. As tempting as it might be to do otherwise.

Fellow stepmoms- how do you get through these frustrating situations without completely losing your mind? How do you rise above and put the kids first? I'd love to hear advice right about now.

The 5 Tasks of Stepmommyhood

This past Saturday I spent an admittedly large part of my day browsing the internet. I didn't have much of a purpose in mind.I just was dealing with a sinus infection and didn't feel up to much else. Somewhere in my reading I stumbled about this article. Now I think most of us have heard of Kubler Ross's 5 Stages of Grief Model (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression & Acceptance) but this article related these stages to being tasks without a specific timeline. Something I hadn't seen before. And while reading these tasks it occurred to me that these "grief tasks" could just as easily be the tasks of "stepmommyhood". 

And so here is my personal take on these stepmommy tasks. 

Grief Stepmommyhood task #1: Acknowledging the reality
You are now a stepmom. Congratulations. With that comes an adorable child(ren), a doting husband, getting to be a mommy without the stretch marks and an instant family to dress in matching Christmas pajamas. Right... try a child (or children) who just might actually like you but is also struggling with loyalty issues, a husband who wants to make everyone (yes, even his ex) happy, the declarations of "you are NOT my mommy", and the inevitable stress of holiday schedules. And oh did I mention the ever present ex? 

Yes I'm being snarky. But you fellow step mommies get my drift. You can talk about the rewards and joys of your ready made family all day long. And its true. There are rewards. You can absolutely love, adore and be insanely happy with your husband and stepchild(ren). Yet the biggest truth of it all still remains. The reality is hard. Being a stepmom is not easy.

Grief Stepmommyhood task #2: Weathering the stress of separation
You fall into a rhythm with this whole family thing. You are making three (varying levels of) nutritious meals a day. Yes you. The girl who previously may have remembered to eat twice. On a good day. And one of those "meals" may or may not have been a pop tart. 

You are taking your family on exciting (albeit exhausting) day trips. You plan crafts and bike rides and movie nights... then Sunday rolls around. And you find yourself bursting into tears after the door closes and their mom drives off. With you heart in tow. 

Grief Stepmommyhood task #3: Adjusting to absence
The house is soooo quiet without the sounds of a child in it. Has it always been this quiet? You know, realistically, that is must have always been this way. And yet it feels empty. Without the hustle and bustle of a family what are you supposed to do? You're a parent. You need someone to parent. But they are with their mom. Oh wait! You still have your husband. Maybe you should plan a date. A movie! That's perfect. But the one you want to see is one your stepchild has been dying to see and you can't see it without him/her/them. So now what? 

Grief Stepmommyhood task #4: Revising your relationship to the deceased your step child
You crave acceptance from your stepchildren. You want them to think you're cool and fun. You want them to think of you as a friend. And yet you still want them to respect you and now that you're a parent. After all, you are their stepmom and that makes you a parent. Right? Or should you try and be their friend because they already have parents and maybe your role isn't the one of disciplinarian? Maybe you should take a step back and not be so involved. Then again you see that their step dad is pretty involved and if he is you should be too. But you read articles about this whole "step mom step back" thing and it kind of makes sense. Wait, what am I doing? What is my relationship to this child? What is my role? Do I have it all wrong? 

Grief Stepmommyhood task #5: Rewriting the storyline of your life

First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes baby in the baby carriage. Sounds simple enough. Unless your version includes stepkids and the presence of your husband's ex...

Do these "tasks" resonate with you as well? I'd love to hear from you.

Alone.

I'm not unique in the fact that I had a miscarriage. In fact it's estimated that 1 in 4 pregnancies end this way. But when you are personally going through it? It feels like a pain no one else could possibly understand.

I anticipated my first ultrasound from the moment I found out I was expecting. I couldn't wait for the affirmation of a heart beat. I couldn't wait for my (now) husband and I to stare at gray images and see our baby for the first time.

But the night before my appointment I started spotting. And I knew. Even though my husband told me it could be many different things. Even though I took to google to find out how common spotting is. Even though the spotting was to the slightest degree. I knew.

So when it was confirmed with an ultrasound I wasn't surprised.

When I went to work after my appointment I told myself I was okay and that I had expected this news.

But I wasn't okay. I just hadn't processed exactly how "not okay" I was. I didn't know that the level of "not okay" I would reach was even possible.

At this point in my story I should stop and let you know that realistically I know I was not alone. My (now) husband was hurting too. In fact he shed more tears in that doctor's office than I did. But knowing this and how I felt were (and some days still are) completely different things. Dads hurt too. Men in general hurt in many ways that society likes to pretend they don't. But that's a post for another day.

I remember the first pregnancy email I got after the miscarriage. It knocked the breath out of me. Somehow I had expected that these emails for the many "expectant mothers" websites I signed up for would stop on their own. After all I wasn't expecting any longer. I no longer needed to know what fruit or vegetable to compare my baby to. I no longer needed to know what I should be eating. What I should be doing to prepare for a healthy delivery. Even still it was several days before I could bring myself to the point where I could go in and cancel these memberships. Meanwhile I kept seeing the emails pop up in my inbox.

The worst part of all of this- I was waiting to tell people I was pregnant until I had my ultrasound. I also wanted to be in my second trimester before revealing the news. With this is mind I scheduled my ultrasound for the very first day of what should have been my second trimester. So now how do you tell people you had a miscarriage when they didn't know you were expecting to begin with? In my case- I didn't. And that was a mistake. A huge mistake.

When I was pregnant I was determined to be armed with information. I wanted to know everything. I wanted the support of a community of moms and mommies-to-be. I read. I signed up for the aforementioned websites. And not just one. EVERY single one I could find.

But when I lost the baby? I withdrew. In this time, when I needed support more than ever, I cut myself off. I stopped talking to people I had known for years. I stopped looking for the community that previously I had longed for. I argued with my husband for absurd reasons.

Because I felt alone. And because I felt alone in my grief I subconsciously created a world where I was. Alone.

Over time I pulled through. Little by little. Week by week. In very gradual steps I found my way back. But it was a struggle.

I am sharing this story now because it didn't have to be that way. Not entirely. I could have let people in. I could have reached out. I could have found resources to help myself. But I didn't.

And while this post may seem out of place on a "step mom blog". Its not. Because my message is YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Not ever. There are always people who will care if you let them. And personally I will never make that same mistake again. I will always do everything in my power to surround myself with strong, smart people. People who-when you are down- will pull you through. So if you are struggling because you are a step mom and the journey is hard, and you find yourself feeling alone- reach out. There is a community of people experiencing the same things as you. Trust me. Just reach out.