Creating a (Step) Family Culture

Early on in my "stepmommyhood" I charged full force in to creating traditions, memories and establishing our household values.  After all I believe one of the most important things you can do for your family is to establish a culture within. So I did. And was promptly awarded with a mixture of success (hurray!) and failure. Wait, what? I was so not expecting failure.

That's when it hit me. I was building from the ground up in a ready made family. My husband and his daughter already had a family culture. And in our situation her family culture started with her early years while her mom and dad were together before getting completely tied up with her mom's new family. And the family traditions she most recently shared with my husband were in large part ones my mother-in-law created. Yet here I was the bull in the china shop trying to redo everything this child knew about holidays and family.

So what is a step mom to do? Most women have family traditions and values they have spent years dreaming of passing on to their own families. So now that you married a man with kids, with a family culture already, do you give up those dreams?

Absolutely not. But you need to do some research first

First step you take is asking questions. What is important to your husband? You might be pleasantly surprised by what he has to say. My husband shared that in his family the Easter bunny hid the eggs. This was a first time hearing this tradition for me but now its something we are incorporating as well. You want to make sure you learn from your husband not only things his family did growing up but also things him and his ex did with the kids. I know that part was hard and scary for me but its necessary. Especially with older children. In this aspect I was pretty lucky because my step daughter was very young when her parents split. But its still part of her history and I'm glad to know her early traditions.

After you have asked your husband what's important to him try and figure out what traditions and values your step child has at their other home. I remember on St. Patrick's Day running out to the store to buy my step daughter a gift because I didn't know the leprechaun was supposed to have left something. I know now that I could have explained to my step daughter that the leprechaun probably didn't visit because we aren't Irish and don't celebrate. \but how much easier would it have been if I knew the importance of St. Patty's in her life?

Now that you are armed with information its your turn to bring to the table your values and traditions. I want my family to be uniquely "ours" so I have created (with the help of my husband and step daughter) a family culture that is just that. Unique to the three of us. But the reason it works is I started with knowing what they both expected and needed.

For me as an adult I still expect to go to my dad's for Christmas and have brisket. If my (current) step mom had taken it upon herself to change that I would have probably felt hurt. But every year when my Dad's extended family gets together we still have brisket and potatoes. Last year she gave us a new tradition by cooking the meal my Dad and her learned to make on their honeymoon for the actual night of Christmas. Because she respected the tradition we already have I was completely on board with the new one.

Establishing family rules may be a little trickier depending on your child's living situation. The biggest challenge we have is keeping the limited time we have her structured. Especially because neither my husband or I are strict people and are much more likely to go with the flow and guide her with a general set of expectations than to lay down a bunch of rules. At her mom's house there are a lot more rules. Which is to be expected since she also has younger children in her home and has our daughter the majority of the time. That being said we do the best we can to try and create consistency for my step daughter while still parenting in our own way. When conflict arises we simply explain to my step daughter why things are different at our house than they are at her mom's. Not everyone will agree with this method and that's fine. But it works for us.

One last thing to remember is your step child's mom will more than likely still want to "own" their family traditions. Every year my step daughter and her mom go for pedicures on her birthday day. It would be out of line for me to try and do that for my step daughter. However there might be a holiday where you know your step child will only be celebrating in your home. For us this was Easter this year. My step daughter was going to be with us and I know how much she looks forward to an Easter ham every year. Normally I like to make green chili and beans for this holiday. This year I made the ham because I knew that was important to her. Making a ham was something I could do for her without stepping on anyone's toes and so I did. It's a balancing act after all.

What are some challenges you've found in establishing family traditions in your step family? What about house rules?

A Wedding Story: Divorced Parents Edition

When I got married in May of this year part of my preparations was making a list of the poses I wanted for my photographer. Upon meeting my photographer I immediately explained to her that my photos would be a little more complicated than "groom's side" and "bride's side". She of course told me that it was no problem and to just make her a list.

 My husband's part was easy. 2 parents, 3 siblings, 1 set of grandparents, 2 sister in laws, a few nephews and of course his daughter. Mine was not. I knew my parents would want their own sets of pictures making my list triple the length of my husband's. I needed pictures with my mom's side, my dad's side and then there were the combined photos that I knew I had to have. This was my opportunity and since I was the bride, how could they refuse me?

Let me back up just a bit. One of my most treasured possessions is a picture of my mom, my dad and I in the hospital after I was born. My parents were married for over five years but for some reason this picture is the only posed one I have that is of the three of us. At my high school graduation I would have loved to change this. But while the majority of my class mates were taking their pictures with mom AND dad, I was running back and forth between two families to take pictures.

At my wedding I knew I wanted a picture of me, my mom AND my dad. I also wanted a picture of me with my three siblings. I have tons of photos of me, my brother and sister. And of me and my two brothers. But none with all of my siblings (in August my baby brother entered the world so now I need a picture including him). And because my family has grown immensely over the past few years, I got both pictures. Even better? It wasn't awkward.

But that picture wouldn't be the only thing my parents blessed me with that day. To my delight and surprise- my parents sat next to each other at my wedding. When I made the seating chart I sat them at different tables. I gave each parent a table to host with their own families. For a few reasons that changed and prior to the ceremony my Mom moved my Dad and his wife to the same table as her and my step dad.

For someone who grew up in a high tension family with parents who could barely be in the same room, seeing my parents seated together at my wedding was the greatest gift. And someday when my step daughter gets married I hope that we can give her the gift of peaceful harmony at her wedding as well.